Honesty On A Screen

"The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath

This quote resonates with the life I have led this last month or so. The intent for this time (roughly 4 months) was to be creative, artistic; to put down everything and anything, to have something to show for the time when it is over. But a third of the time has elapsed now, and I don't feel like I've grown much and I'm certainly not improving.
I believe it's because I carry this fear around, a fear of mediocrity, and a measure of self-doubt. Sylvia said it best, and may have diagnosed the symptom of stagnancy.
I find myself more uncertain as the days progress. I find myself failing at every turn.
I have heavy hands full of responsibility, fragile as infants, yet they feel empty, hollow, trembling.
My mind keeps returning to the place of doubt, questioning, second-guessing every action, bracing for the terrible reactions.

Because of this, I feel like a coward, afraid of life. Scared of everything. Like every movement towards normalcy, towards coping, has been shifted back to the beginning. I am no longer free of the feeling of inadequacy. Perhaps I never will be again.

I feel like Lady MacBeth in an endless attempt to wash failure from my hands, but never cleansing them of that damned spot.

For these reasons (and others) I am terrified and lower than I've been in a while.

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing." - Sylvia Plath